just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
