Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
