did you get engaged???
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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