An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
