I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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