Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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