That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
