I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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