Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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