Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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