i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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