y did u give ur computer a hand job?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
