feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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