eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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