I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
