Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
