You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
