If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
