Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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