my phone needs a breathalizer
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
