the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
