at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
