Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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