my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
