it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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