it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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