i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
