If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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