Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
