i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
