My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
