Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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