You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
