The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize