My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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