I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
