I wish my penis had an off switch
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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