I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
