You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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