Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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