Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
