Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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