this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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