I cannot find my penis.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
