Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
