i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
