I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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