i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
