So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
