I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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