Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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