yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
