Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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