it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is my gift to your gina
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
