I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
