Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
