Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
