In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I stole a fireplace last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
