My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
cat food counts as protein by the way
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize