My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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